FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER. (I got this article as an email attachment, read at your own risk. Josh)

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, noone wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach tofinding Mr./Miss. Right!If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based onlove.Though this may sound "not politically correct,"there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for gettingmarried. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the otheringredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious aboutfinding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do youplan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. Tomake a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with thisperson?This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. Thebasis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won'tget "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom youfeel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest withyourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with theperson you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can youtest? Here are some suggestions.Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do theright." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with theirtime? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.There are essentially two types of people in theworld: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) peoplewho are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personalcomfort ahead of doing the right thing.You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is theability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another personpleasure.Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed? To measure this, thinkabout the following:How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such aswaiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don'thave gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you donearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this personafter we're married?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague ofmine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriagefor the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.

The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with yourheart.It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sureto ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling inlove is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on yourfinger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't doyour homework.Another perspective...There are some people in your life that need to be loved from adistance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.Pay attention..Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones aregoing downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feelworse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love andtruth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who getsto sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open,and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make acommitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind towarning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you canchange someone or that what you see as faults aren't really thatimportant.Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment andcompromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? Whatdo you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't makesomeone love you or make someone stay.If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happinessor responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are thewrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS: 1. TRUST2. COMMUNICATION3. INTIMACY4. A SENSE OF HUMOR5. SHARING TASKS6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENTIf these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain willreplace.